I am sitting at a bar. Heavy music resonates in my ears, I hardly notice. The dim lighting and the glitzy underworld-ish look messes with my sense of time. I can’t tell whether I am supposed to go or stay; to ask for some more or just shut up; to look around or to look into my glass. God, I am drunk. I am confused.
A gorgeous girl walks up to me. And in a haunting voice hisses the obvious question. It jerks me back to reality. This is why I came here. I look into her eyes, looking for a hint of sarcasm, or even pity. I find none. Instead, I find cold indifference, completely disinterested with life, with me.
Suddenly, my wedding ring tightens, my finger hurts. My mind starts racing. I get scared because of the dilemma I am in, of the time I am taking to answer her. I shouldn’t have been confused.
And then, in a corner of my head I start thinking, am I good enough for her? And my brain yells, no thunders back, hell you’re paying her for this. My other half hasn’t decided yet – to go or not. Hell, I thought shopping was easy.
Something metallic flashes in front of me. Thank God for the bartender, I slur “Would you like something to drink?”. Anything to delay this. God, anything. Will I see this as a lost opportunity? What’s wrong with me? Lost opportunity?
Should I say no? It won’t complicate stuff.
It won’t make things easier either. I need this.
No you don’t. You’ll find somebody. This is not why you came here.
Hell, with this, I am doing it.
Really, with what? Since when can you do anything without pills?
Computers were so much easier. And you didn’t have to pay them, either.
Disappointed at myself, I tumble the words out of my mouth somehow. God, my head is reeling. Is the ceiling really moving? Does this restaurant revolve?
I get up, resolving to never come back again. I look around for my keys. Oh yes, in my pocket. What did I have today? God, what is that colour?
I stumble in the parking lot. The doorman helps him. Instinctively, I bat his hands away. I shouldn’t have. Who is going to find my car for me? Did I bring the Blue Pontiac or the White Taurus? Hell, Everything is a White Pontiac here? Do I have a White Pontiac? Hell, I’ll walk home. Which way is it? I’ll ask somebody on the way.
I see a couple of girls. Maybe they know where my home is. I go towards them. Or are they coming towards me? I can’t tell. Anyway they are closer, I yell at them. Strangely, none of it is about where my home is. They run. What is happening to me?
I walk. Atleast I think I am walking. Never assume stuff, my philosophy teacher told me, or something to that effect. I keep meeting tall blacks, really thin chaps. Like they are guarding the road or something. Pretty silent guys, don’t even flinch when you kick them. Must be basketball players or something. Hey, there is my shadow. Hmmm.
Can you kill your own shadow? Let’s see. Here you go, you. I throw my bottle at him. Shit, he hasn’t moved. Still standing there, staring at me. Is he going to attack me? I run. I look back to see him comfortably keeping up with me. I turn into a dark alley to lose him. Thank God, he won’t find me here.
I cover myself with some newspaper. I sleep, hmmm, heavenly sleep. I don’t want to get up. Good night.
MAN FOUND DEAD: A man, 65, was found dead last night in an alley behind the upmarket restro-bar, 0. He had high levels of the narcotic, LSD, in his blood and police suspect he died of overdose. No identification was found on him and so far, no one has come forward to claim the body….