Category Archives: Arbit

Dear Players of Various Ball Games in the Oval Maidan

Cricket on the Oval Maidan, Mumbai

Image by kittell via Flickr

The people jogging on the periphery of the maidan, are not your fielders, dogs, slaves, ball-boys, and other such categories of persons. Therefore, we do not take kindly to that horrible lip-puckering sound you use to call us, or the impassioned pleas to your ‘Uncles’, ‘Brothers’ and ‘Friends’ to retrieve the balls you so cleverly managed to hit or kick somewhere in a 1-mile radius of where I am.

And, by the way, it kind of defeats the whole purpose of you coming down to the maidan, if we have to run after the balls, doesn’t it?

P.S.: The girl working out in the corner of the maidan – Really? Is that what you’re going to wear in public? And stretch, contort and other assorted stuff? And you still are surprised by the number of hobos, that turn up to watch your performance?

First Post from Blackberry!

I just installed the WordPress for Blackberry app. Meetings will be more productive now.

Should parents be administered IQ levels before they have kids?

Remember that C&H strip about Calvin asking his parents, that how could he be sure that their parenting is not screwing up his life? Apart from the minor element of ironical truth in it, I just saw something happen today, that should warrant a law mandating parents should be administered a suitability test for parenting.

~

There is a junction of 3 roads right outside my home. And even though it’s an inner lane off the main road, it still has decent heavy traffic at peak hours, enough to make you wait for at least 5-10 minutes before you can cross the road. To make the situation clear, I have included a schematic below.

Junction Schematic
Schematic diagram of the junction near my house. Done on Open Office Drawing 2.4

Today, when I was coming back from the local shopping complex, I watched this lady pushing a pram with a kid inside, and a kid being held by the hand, as she crossed the road.

If you are a sane person, you would choose option 1 or option 2, keeping a close watch on the kids, so that they are not in the way of the oncoming traffic.

But the lady in question was in a particularly creative mood today, and decided to trace the random path of a Boltzmann gas molecule, right in the middle of the road. If the area wasn’t so well-lit as it was, I hate to imagine what would have happened to the pram.

While this was happening, a man who had told her to be careful, because earlier, an Ambassador moving at a very fast 5 kmph narrowly missed her pram, when she shoved it in the car’s way, was hyperventilating.

Though before I judge her IQ, I must be sure of her intentions. She might be really clever and could have been playing dumb, in order to get rid of her pesky kids. In which case, she should be made Dictator-for-Life of the Kansa Society.

~

I related this incident to my parents, and they said, that last night when they were coming back, they were waiting at a red light. Just as it turned green, the driver stomped down the brakes with both his feet and pulled at the hand-brake till he tore it off, because a kid on a tricycle, sans his parents, had decided that it was the right time for him to cross the road.

But when he heard the collective thump of cheeks hitting windscreens, he decided he just might be better off waiting for the cars to clear out before he put on his daredevil act again.

Again of course, I might be wrong about the parents’ intentions. Sending your kids, who have no traffic sense, out alone on the main boulevards, late at night, is a very clever way to kill your kids. KansaSoc, please to be taking note of such paragons, and to be giving them life-memberships.

~

I think, and seriously that too, that the Kansa Society should put full support to bringing about the Parent-IQ law into existence. Complete with provisions for cops to randomly stop and subject parents to flash IQ tests a la breathalyser tests.

Maybe the State, (here is where the State has incentive also) could start licensing parents before they have kids. Just think of the possibilities – a whole new avenue for corruption, and stuff like that.

Later on, KansaSoc can then resort to beating up stupid parents like a certain Mangalorean vigilante group, claiming to uphold the law of the land. I am already rubbing my hands in glee.

100 Useless Tidbits About Me

  1. Last beverage → Water
  2. Last phone call → Ahem. Suffice it to say it cost me a lot of money per minute. Didn’t get what I wanted too. Whatay ripoff.
  3. Last text message → Ditto.
  4. Last song you listened to → Hmm. My sister’s horrible rendition of “Mar Jaawaa”. Not that it’s a great song.
  5. Last time you cried → Today. Rubbed my pickle stained hand on my eye. Don’t laugh, it hurts okay!
  6. HAVE YOU EVER:

  7. Dated someone twice → No.
  8. Been cheated on? → No. Really. Seriously.
  9. Kissed someone & regretted it? → Jeez. Loads of them. I am quite liberal with love.
  10. Lost someone special? → Well, not really.
  11. Been depressed? → Part of my daily routine. If I am awake between 2pm and 4pm, I wonder why I am awake. Which depresses me.
  12. Been drunk? → Never. What? I have control okay?
  13. LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

  14. Black
  15. Maroon (still have my uniform sweater)
  16. A toss between blue and green.
  17. THIS PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

  18. Made new friends → Yup.
  19. Fallen out of love → No. Sigh.
  20. Laughed until you cried → Hehe. Oh yeah.
  21. Met someone who changed you → They are still trying hard.
  22. Found out who your true friends were → I always knew.
  23. Found out someone was talking about you → That reminds me… Oh damn, lost opportunity!
  24. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Did I have to be sober for this? If not, 😀 I told you I am quite liberal with my love.
  25. TRUTH:

  26. How many kids do you want to have → As many as it is required to make FC wnwek (minus manager).
  27. Do you have any pets → No. No. Not even lolcats.
  28. Do you want to change your name? → And miss telling people my name means “The quality to discriminate between good and evil, and ironically, I can’t?” and getting those “Stop, you’re killing me with those PJs” looks? Why would I ever want to?
  29. What did you do for your last birthday? → Gorged on McD’s Chicken McGrills. Yummy in my tummy!
  30. What time did you wake up today? → Sometime after noon, when the sun began burning my face. Aah, being a bum, I tell you, has its benefits.
  31. What were you doing at midnight last night? → Coding stuff for a secret project. Shush.
  32. Name something you CANNOT wait for. → Easter.
  33. Last time you saw your father→ 2 minutes ago
  34. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Quite a laundry list are there.
  35. What are you listening to right now → Me tapping on the keyboard, and my stomach growling with hunger. Where are those cookies?
  36. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Yup, he was my wingmate.
  37. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → “Where’s my Guinness? Where’s my bloody Guinness?”
  38. Whats your real name → Billy Beerbelly
  39. Relationship Status → Depends. Are you a hot girl? Then, I am single.
  40. Zodiac sign: Aries
  41. Male or female → Alpha male
  42. Elementary School → Anand Balwadi, Baroda/St. Paul’s, Delhi
  43. Middle School → TIHS, Thuppai
  44. High school → Bhavan’s Delhi
  45. Hair color → Black
  46. Long or short → Skinhead
  47. Height → 6 feet and growing.
  48. Do you have a crush on someone → What kind of a question is this? Of course!
  49. What do you like about yourself? → My legs.
  50. Piercings → Do vaccinations count?
  51. Tattoos → Many stick-ons.
  52. Righty or lefty → Both
  53. FIRSTS :

  54. First surgery → Wonly umbilical cord incision are there
  55. First piercing → When a classmate put a drawing pin on my seat. It didn’t hurt so much when it went in, as much as when it was pulled out. Then the whole day, I wished the teacher would make me stand up for talking in class. Scheiss, the one day, the teacher is in a good mood.
  56. First tattoo → When a “friend” threw ball pen ink on my forehead. Stuck on me for 3 days. Had to put 3 parallel bandaids, and wash my face everyday. It was so cool.
  57. First best friend → Monu. He would beat me up with unfailing regularity.
  58. First sport you joined → Bungee jumping. Without a rope. 8 months. 2 feet high wall. Lived to tell the tale.
  59. First pet → I caught a grasshopper, tied a thread around it and brought it home. Couldn’t believe my mom asked me to throw it away. Was such luverly colours too. Orange and Green!
  60. First vacation → First one I remember, is at my grandparent’s place. Beautiful farm. Many more animal stories there 🙂
  61. First concert → Manna Dey and Kavita Krishnamurthy.
  62. First crush → Pretty girl, two rows right of me in 3rd standard. Still wonder where you are sometimes. Studious girl, sitting beside her, Go to hell. 😛 I got many whipping because of your good marks.
  63. First alcohol drink → Cough syrup. 😀
  64. RIGHT NOW:

  65. Eating → Fingers. Bit by bit.
  66. Drinking → It’s closing time in pubs in London on a Sat. night. I know what I should be drinking.
  67. I’m about to → get yelled for staying up late.
  68. Listening to → my stomach is still asserting itself.
  69. Waiting for → What is this? To keep from forgetting? Easter! When I can lay my hands on chicken, mutton, fish, anything that has good meat!
  70. YOUR FUTURE :

  71. Want kids? → With my wife, yes. Hehe. Good question. Glad I missed that googly. Whew.
  72. Want to get married? → To whom?
  73. Careers in mind? → Rich playboy. I’ll retire then as a avuncular philanthropist, with my playboygiri relegated only to the night.
  74. WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE SEX OF YOUR CHOOSING?
    I choose females. Just so that you don’t confuse my answers, you buggers.

  75. Lips or eyes → Both.
  76. Hugs or kisses → Both. Preferably simultaneously.
  77. Shorter or taller → Both. Again preferably simultaneously.
  78. Older or Younger → +/- 2. Come in groups of 2 please.
  79. Romantic or spontaneous → “spontaneously romantic”. Good Answer. I am leaving it as it is from the previous set of answers.
  80. Nice stomach or nice arms → Usually females have both. (Thank god, I don’t have to choose.)
  81. Tattoos or piercings → Don’t mind.
  82. Sensitive or loud → Both at appropriate times.
  83. Hook-up or relationship → This is a tough one. Maybe start out as hook-up and end as a relationship? Or vice-versa?
  84. Trouble maker or hesitant → Definitely, both.
  85. HAVE YOU EVER :

  86. Kissed a stranger → Yes. Well, not technically.
  87. Drank hard liquor → Yes.
  88. Lost glasses/contacts → Never had any to lose them.
  89. Sex on first date → Not that lucky.
  90. Broken someone’s heart → Didn’t mean to, babe.
  91. Had your own heart broken → Yeah. I did.
  92. Been arrested? → No.
  93. Turned someone down → Nope.
  94. Cried when someone died → Never. I am worried about this.
  95. Liked a friend that is a girl? → Huh? Haven’t we all watched When Harry Met Sally?
  96. DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

  97. Yourself → Sometimes 🙂
  98. Miracles → Yup
  99. Love at first sight → Has happened to some people I know. Not to me though.
  100. Heaven → Yes. And Hell too. I am not sure how purgatory fits in though.
  101. Santa Claus → What do you mean believe? He exists. Period.
  102. Kissing on the first date? → Depends.
  103. Angels → Yeah.
  104. ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

  105. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Not just one.
  106. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No, that would be plain stupid. And expensive. And like the derivatives market. (Picking pennies in front of a steamroller.)
  107. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? → Of course.
  108. What’s the one thing you cannot live without? → Meat.
  109. Who’s the most awesome kid ever? – My kid sister!

Them Bloody Lawyers

Recently, a doting father bought his son, an unusual present. Though nowadays, when unborn babies get their own blogs or Twitter feeds, this gift may not be so unusual soon.

Dad bought darling beta a domain name on the web: Narnia.mobi.*

The son was a huge fan of the Narnia books and movies, and instead of being the run-of-the-mill dad, buying action figures, or quilts, or suchlike things, he decided he would notch up a few points on the cool-dad scale, and buy him a domain for the mobile version of the Narnia site.

Enter villain: The Estate of C. S. Lewis, who controls the rights to the intellectual property of Narnia. And like all villains in movies are wont to do, they did the stupidest thing possible: Sue the father.

The father claims that he is legally permitted to own the domain since there is some sort of window that is given to all owners of trademarks to book sites that would be pertinent to their trademark, and somehow the Estate of C.S. Lewis overlooked this one. Now since the domain name was bought after the window was closed, the father claims that he is legally in the right.

And obviously he would fight to keep it, seeing how difficult it is to get just the right domain name, unless you are looking for something nonsensical like, ummmm, Yahoo or Google :P. (put links)

Whatever; I am not going to argue about who is right.

But look at this: however the situation ends, whether the creative father or the lumbering C. S. Lewis Estate wins, the C. S. Lewis is going to get oodles of bad press, especially in the target market it’s trying to sell its merchandise, for example, young boys like the darling beta in this story.

Instead, what they should have done, to become heroes in this story, is to have gone and told the father and son that: “Look, we know you are huge fans, otherwise you wouldn’t have bought the domain. But let us make the site that goes on the domain in the Narnia fashion, or at the very least, do let us link up your site with our main site, and let us sell cute little Lion, Cupboard and Witch dolls on your site. Hell, you can even keep 10% of the revenues we make on your site.

That, my dear friends, is an offer, you can’t refuse.

And, this is not because there aren’t any clever guys who are advising the C. S. Lewis Estate. Mind you, they are too clever by half. It’s those lawyers who know that litigation will rake in more money than their hefty retainers, who said, let’s sue their puny little mobile domain asses.

Incentives, I tell you, make the world go round.

~

Any consulting company who still wants to hire me, can do so. Surprisingly for the amount of brain power I come with (I am selling myself here:P), I am willing to be paid salaries you pay your analysts.

I may not be that cheap much longer, if I keep coming up with such award-winning cost-cutting ideas. (“Fire them bloody lawyers!”)

Oh, and here is my resume.

* Interestingly WHOIS, a tool which tells you who owns the domain, shows that C. S. Lewis estate owns the domain now. Must have been quite the letdown for the poor boy. ^^

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!


Annual fireworks at New Year’s in London

Most people would be happy to see 2008 go by. But even in a year that deserves to be called annus horribilis, there were some things from the past year, that still brings a smile to one’s face.

One of those was the first Diwali, co-incidentally the new year in the Hindu calendar, we had in London. Here is the list of things we did in random order to mark Diwali in London:

  1. Went to Trafalgar Square to see London get together for the thoroughly Indian occasion, that is Diwali. Made mental note of not to do that again. Reasons include:
    • having to watch fat aunties dancing on stage to ancient/local Ballywood music, half-scared that the stage might collapse, leading to a catastrophic avalanche of aunties into the crowd.
    • having to watch n falana renowned gurus of Indian Jazz dance (WTH is Indian Jazz?) perform the Mexican wave with 30 kids on stage, call that amazing stuff, and make the kids clap for themselves.
    • Bloody desis, who act normal when caught one at a time, but when in congregation of 10,000 upwards (not joking), become extremely messy, noisy, exuberant, and prone to doing the bhangra even when you don’t have standing space, causing extreme discomfort to other people. Also, prone to trample upon people to get in front of TV camera. (Extreme right-wingers, please to be noting, Diwali at Trafalgar is a very soft-target for you. Go for it next time)
    • No fireworks.
    • No mithai
    • Prams, with steel bumpers. Which parents insist on taking right into the middle of the crowd, while carrying the babies for whom they are intended. Of whom you are not aware of, until the said vehicle takes a good portion of your shin/calf with it.
    • Shitty music, crappy compere, sound system a la merde, scheiss programme. There, that should be clear enough to most people in the world.
  2. Went to the Diwali Party at a prominent business school. Note to self: Free drinks are not always a good thing, when combined with free food. Especially, when you are the sober one, and have to take glares from cleaning staff all the way home.

    Must not act surprised when people call you bhaiyya, and curse under your breath. Even when said people are good-looking women. I am that old now.

  3. Went to the Neasden temple and back on Sunday. Prudent decision to not attempt it on Diwali itself. Mental note to self, to check where places actually are on Google Maps, before rushing out to go there and getting lost and walking upto 3 miles to get there. Also, whack those idiots who had been showing off their Google Maps/GPS features on their mobile phones.

    Also, either have lunch, or not take whining, starving friends to tag along, unless you have cotton to stuff in your ears.

    Should definitely not take junta who are obsessed with the answer to the Life, Universe and Everything. Atleast not to a temple. Unless you are bored enough to watch a priest and said junta spar on the theological truths of existence.

    Should definitely take note of Anwar’s, a delightful homely Pakistani restaurant near Warren St. Tube station, and thank Ali (the guy who runs the show) personally, with a discreet tenner, for saving my tummy from self-digesting itself in intestinal acid, and shutting up my whining friends. Still dreams about the lovely 6-quid all-day all-you-can-eat buffet.(Suggestion: if you ever pop in there, do take a cup of masala chai)

  4. Went to Southall. The home to the pukka desh da puttar in London. Mental note to self: Stop acting surprised, when you see Sardars walking around with swords longer than your leg, Punjabi only-signs or a Mahindra tractor with a huge load of sugarcane in Southall. Must put idea in somebody’s head that Southall must be the new capital of Punjab (tee hee). Must take English-Punjabi dictionary.

    Not ask junta in these parts for directions on the bus, just when they are about to get out. Said junta will stop back for you, make you memorise the latitude, longitude coordinates of where you want to go, with precise directions (like It’s either the 3rd or the 5th turn, beta, I am sure of that. Or it could be straight ahead. ), get off 2 bus stops from where they are supposed to get off from, and make you feel horrible as hell for making them miss their stop.

    Taste mithai before buying them. Yes, mithai can be horrible, sugar doesn’t cover everything. Also, not to be buying sweets from chap who looks blank when we ask for stuff like boondi de laddu. Also, not to be buying more than 5 kgs of sweets at a time.

    Encourage friends enthusiastic for fireworks to just watch them, and steer them away from shops where they were selling local replicas of Stinger missiles. Information to general public: You need a license to burst crackers in London. Just so that you aren’t saddled with firecrackers going for at a 70% discount which you can’t burst. Should try whacking people as a good tool to encourage and making them understand, and justify with an ominous laaton ke bhoot baaton se nahi samajhtein.

    And last but not the least, take your umbrella always, in London. Or else, you could be cursing a very very enjoyable White Diwali. That’s right 🙂 It snowed that day. And God saw it was good.

Being Home

I am back home in Delhi, but I am not exactly on holiday.

But I went to London to work, didn’t I? So if I am back home, I should be on holiday right?

Let’s get something straight. I graduated in March, after which I joined late July at my company (well-known ex-bank) and was thrown out a mere 3 months later, during which I was prepared, wound up, geared ready for the my job.

Which, if I haven’t made it already abundantly clear, was never told to me. Or another 149 of us who were waiting for summons.

~

So I got tired of this waiting and watching, and more waiting and watching, and I decided to take a vacation from this enforced vacation. Which, some of you would know, is not really a vacation, because this vacation is all about how to get out of the first vacation mentioned thereof.

Moral of the story: I am not on holiday. I am looking for a job. (Which again is a full-time job in itself. Aargh. How do I get caught in these recursive loops? Maybe it’s something to do with me being a computer engineer.)

~

Anyway, now that I am home, I think to myself, let’s make the best of it: Let’s dust up my poor-neglected and bit-cobwebby blog, and become a world-class Twitterer, in the free time I have, apart from, of course, sharpening my waiting-to-be-used bleeding edge financial acumen.

I have promised many people (and a dish) a post, and I intend to make good my promises in this long season of hibernation.

I shall also be posting regularly about my job hunt efforts, taking inspiration from this guy. Who knows, maybe I’ll get a job this way too!

If anybody is interested in giving me a job, have a look at my LinkedIn profile.