Category Archives: Humour

Sunrise and Sunset on Marine Drive

Sunrise, as seen from Marine Drive

Sunrise, as seen from Marine Drive

Taken on my trusty Blackberry, a few days ago, while in a cab on Marine Drive.

Sunset on Marine Drive

Sunset on Marine Drive

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Dear Players of Various Ball Games in the Oval Maidan

Cricket on the Oval Maidan, Mumbai

Image by kittell via Flickr

The people jogging on the periphery of the maidan, are not your fielders, dogs, slaves, ball-boys, and other such categories of persons. Therefore, we do not take kindly to that horrible lip-puckering sound you use to call us, or the impassioned pleas to your ‘Uncles’, ‘Brothers’ and ‘Friends’ to retrieve the balls you so cleverly managed to hit or kick somewhere in a 1-mile radius of where I am.

And, by the way, it kind of defeats the whole purpose of you coming down to the maidan, if we have to run after the balls, doesn’t it?

P.S.: The girl working out in the corner of the maidan – Really? Is that what you’re going to wear in public? And stretch, contort and other assorted stuff? And you still are surprised by the number of hobos, that turn up to watch your performance?

Oh, really

Bahraini protesters in front of the White House on 02/20/2011

Bahraini protesters in front of the White House on 02/20/2011. Image by messay.com via Flickr

New York Times writes:

Obama Administration officials say King Hamad had listened to President Obama when Mr. Obama urged him to pull back his security forces from the protesters and so has earned the right to try to manage reform on his own.

Oh, really.

Tsunami Trading Ideas

At office, the television showing CNBC is right behind me – and when the earthquake in Miyagi and the ensuing tsunami happened, a group of people started gathering behind me, exclaiming.

As soon as I read the headlines on TV, this is the first thought that went through my head:

This will be an awesome time to invest in the Japanese markets – all the losses will be covered significantly by insurance payouts and the ensuing economic activity to rebuild the country will give a much-needed fillip to the country’s economy. Now how do we take advantage of this situation?

I know: that’s cold. But that’s an investment banker for you. Then, later, on the way home, I realised that I was being insensitive – that’s when I thought of sending emails to my friends in Tokyo – to check whether they were okay.

Am I a bad person? No, not really. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some other miserable situation I need to take advantage.

I just thought of something else: the whaling industry will take a hit for a few weeks, which should give the whales time to regroup. So, positive environmental effect. Maybe I am just an indefatigable optimist.

First Post from Blackberry!

I just installed the WordPress for Blackberry app. Meetings will be more productive now.

Should parents be administered IQ levels before they have kids?

Remember that C&H strip about Calvin asking his parents, that how could he be sure that their parenting is not screwing up his life? Apart from the minor element of ironical truth in it, I just saw something happen today, that should warrant a law mandating parents should be administered a suitability test for parenting.

~

There is a junction of 3 roads right outside my home. And even though it’s an inner lane off the main road, it still has decent heavy traffic at peak hours, enough to make you wait for at least 5-10 minutes before you can cross the road. To make the situation clear, I have included a schematic below.

Junction Schematic
Schematic diagram of the junction near my house. Done on Open Office Drawing 2.4

Today, when I was coming back from the local shopping complex, I watched this lady pushing a pram with a kid inside, and a kid being held by the hand, as she crossed the road.

If you are a sane person, you would choose option 1 or option 2, keeping a close watch on the kids, so that they are not in the way of the oncoming traffic.

But the lady in question was in a particularly creative mood today, and decided to trace the random path of a Boltzmann gas molecule, right in the middle of the road. If the area wasn’t so well-lit as it was, I hate to imagine what would have happened to the pram.

While this was happening, a man who had told her to be careful, because earlier, an Ambassador moving at a very fast 5 kmph narrowly missed her pram, when she shoved it in the car’s way, was hyperventilating.

Though before I judge her IQ, I must be sure of her intentions. She might be really clever and could have been playing dumb, in order to get rid of her pesky kids. In which case, she should be made Dictator-for-Life of the Kansa Society.

~

I related this incident to my parents, and they said, that last night when they were coming back, they were waiting at a red light. Just as it turned green, the driver stomped down the brakes with both his feet and pulled at the hand-brake till he tore it off, because a kid on a tricycle, sans his parents, had decided that it was the right time for him to cross the road.

But when he heard the collective thump of cheeks hitting windscreens, he decided he just might be better off waiting for the cars to clear out before he put on his daredevil act again.

Again of course, I might be wrong about the parents’ intentions. Sending your kids, who have no traffic sense, out alone on the main boulevards, late at night, is a very clever way to kill your kids. KansaSoc, please to be taking note of such paragons, and to be giving them life-memberships.

~

I think, and seriously that too, that the Kansa Society should put full support to bringing about the Parent-IQ law into existence. Complete with provisions for cops to randomly stop and subject parents to flash IQ tests a la breathalyser tests.

Maybe the State, (here is where the State has incentive also) could start licensing parents before they have kids. Just think of the possibilities – a whole new avenue for corruption, and stuff like that.

Later on, KansaSoc can then resort to beating up stupid parents like a certain Mangalorean vigilante group, claiming to uphold the law of the land. I am already rubbing my hands in glee.

100 Useless Tidbits About Me

  1. Last beverage → Water
  2. Last phone call → Ahem. Suffice it to say it cost me a lot of money per minute. Didn’t get what I wanted too. Whatay ripoff.
  3. Last text message → Ditto.
  4. Last song you listened to → Hmm. My sister’s horrible rendition of “Mar Jaawaa”. Not that it’s a great song.
  5. Last time you cried → Today. Rubbed my pickle stained hand on my eye. Don’t laugh, it hurts okay!
  6. HAVE YOU EVER:

  7. Dated someone twice → No.
  8. Been cheated on? → No. Really. Seriously.
  9. Kissed someone & regretted it? → Jeez. Loads of them. I am quite liberal with love.
  10. Lost someone special? → Well, not really.
  11. Been depressed? → Part of my daily routine. If I am awake between 2pm and 4pm, I wonder why I am awake. Which depresses me.
  12. Been drunk? → Never. What? I have control okay?
  13. LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

  14. Black
  15. Maroon (still have my uniform sweater)
  16. A toss between blue and green.
  17. THIS PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

  18. Made new friends → Yup.
  19. Fallen out of love → No. Sigh.
  20. Laughed until you cried → Hehe. Oh yeah.
  21. Met someone who changed you → They are still trying hard.
  22. Found out who your true friends were → I always knew.
  23. Found out someone was talking about you → That reminds me… Oh damn, lost opportunity!
  24. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Did I have to be sober for this? If not, 😀 I told you I am quite liberal with my love.
  25. TRUTH:

  26. How many kids do you want to have → As many as it is required to make FC wnwek (minus manager).
  27. Do you have any pets → No. No. Not even lolcats.
  28. Do you want to change your name? → And miss telling people my name means “The quality to discriminate between good and evil, and ironically, I can’t?” and getting those “Stop, you’re killing me with those PJs” looks? Why would I ever want to?
  29. What did you do for your last birthday? → Gorged on McD’s Chicken McGrills. Yummy in my tummy!
  30. What time did you wake up today? → Sometime after noon, when the sun began burning my face. Aah, being a bum, I tell you, has its benefits.
  31. What were you doing at midnight last night? → Coding stuff for a secret project. Shush.
  32. Name something you CANNOT wait for. → Easter.
  33. Last time you saw your father→ 2 minutes ago
  34. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Quite a laundry list are there.
  35. What are you listening to right now → Me tapping on the keyboard, and my stomach growling with hunger. Where are those cookies?
  36. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom → Yup, he was my wingmate.
  37. What’s getting on your nerves right now? → “Where’s my Guinness? Where’s my bloody Guinness?”
  38. Whats your real name → Billy Beerbelly
  39. Relationship Status → Depends. Are you a hot girl? Then, I am single.
  40. Zodiac sign: Aries
  41. Male or female → Alpha male
  42. Elementary School → Anand Balwadi, Baroda/St. Paul’s, Delhi
  43. Middle School → TIHS, Thuppai
  44. High school → Bhavan’s Delhi
  45. Hair color → Black
  46. Long or short → Skinhead
  47. Height → 6 feet and growing.
  48. Do you have a crush on someone → What kind of a question is this? Of course!
  49. What do you like about yourself? → My legs.
  50. Piercings → Do vaccinations count?
  51. Tattoos → Many stick-ons.
  52. Righty or lefty → Both
  53. FIRSTS :

  54. First surgery → Wonly umbilical cord incision are there
  55. First piercing → When a classmate put a drawing pin on my seat. It didn’t hurt so much when it went in, as much as when it was pulled out. Then the whole day, I wished the teacher would make me stand up for talking in class. Scheiss, the one day, the teacher is in a good mood.
  56. First tattoo → When a “friend” threw ball pen ink on my forehead. Stuck on me for 3 days. Had to put 3 parallel bandaids, and wash my face everyday. It was so cool.
  57. First best friend → Monu. He would beat me up with unfailing regularity.
  58. First sport you joined → Bungee jumping. Without a rope. 8 months. 2 feet high wall. Lived to tell the tale.
  59. First pet → I caught a grasshopper, tied a thread around it and brought it home. Couldn’t believe my mom asked me to throw it away. Was such luverly colours too. Orange and Green!
  60. First vacation → First one I remember, is at my grandparent’s place. Beautiful farm. Many more animal stories there 🙂
  61. First concert → Manna Dey and Kavita Krishnamurthy.
  62. First crush → Pretty girl, two rows right of me in 3rd standard. Still wonder where you are sometimes. Studious girl, sitting beside her, Go to hell. 😛 I got many whipping because of your good marks.
  63. First alcohol drink → Cough syrup. 😀
  64. RIGHT NOW:

  65. Eating → Fingers. Bit by bit.
  66. Drinking → It’s closing time in pubs in London on a Sat. night. I know what I should be drinking.
  67. I’m about to → get yelled for staying up late.
  68. Listening to → my stomach is still asserting itself.
  69. Waiting for → What is this? To keep from forgetting? Easter! When I can lay my hands on chicken, mutton, fish, anything that has good meat!
  70. YOUR FUTURE :

  71. Want kids? → With my wife, yes. Hehe. Good question. Glad I missed that googly. Whew.
  72. Want to get married? → To whom?
  73. Careers in mind? → Rich playboy. I’ll retire then as a avuncular philanthropist, with my playboygiri relegated only to the night.
  74. WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE SEX OF YOUR CHOOSING?
    I choose females. Just so that you don’t confuse my answers, you buggers.

  75. Lips or eyes → Both.
  76. Hugs or kisses → Both. Preferably simultaneously.
  77. Shorter or taller → Both. Again preferably simultaneously.
  78. Older or Younger → +/- 2. Come in groups of 2 please.
  79. Romantic or spontaneous → “spontaneously romantic”. Good Answer. I am leaving it as it is from the previous set of answers.
  80. Nice stomach or nice arms → Usually females have both. (Thank god, I don’t have to choose.)
  81. Tattoos or piercings → Don’t mind.
  82. Sensitive or loud → Both at appropriate times.
  83. Hook-up or relationship → This is a tough one. Maybe start out as hook-up and end as a relationship? Or vice-versa?
  84. Trouble maker or hesitant → Definitely, both.
  85. HAVE YOU EVER :

  86. Kissed a stranger → Yes. Well, not technically.
  87. Drank hard liquor → Yes.
  88. Lost glasses/contacts → Never had any to lose them.
  89. Sex on first date → Not that lucky.
  90. Broken someone’s heart → Didn’t mean to, babe.
  91. Had your own heart broken → Yeah. I did.
  92. Been arrested? → No.
  93. Turned someone down → Nope.
  94. Cried when someone died → Never. I am worried about this.
  95. Liked a friend that is a girl? → Huh? Haven’t we all watched When Harry Met Sally?
  96. DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

  97. Yourself → Sometimes 🙂
  98. Miracles → Yup
  99. Love at first sight → Has happened to some people I know. Not to me though.
  100. Heaven → Yes. And Hell too. I am not sure how purgatory fits in though.
  101. Santa Claus → What do you mean believe? He exists. Period.
  102. Kissing on the first date? → Depends.
  103. Angels → Yeah.
  104. ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

  105. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → Not just one.
  106. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? → No, that would be plain stupid. And expensive. And like the derivatives market. (Picking pennies in front of a steamroller.)
  107. Do you believe its possible to remain faithful forever? → Of course.
  108. What’s the one thing you cannot live without? → Meat.
  109. Who’s the most awesome kid ever? – My kid sister!